Thursday, January 03, 2008
This is the time of year when there is a undeniable feeling of starting something. Although, it can certainly be the type of feeling one is not aware of, nor even necessarily sensing, until a time comes when it is crucial to think of such a thing. At that time one becomes aware of the fact that they have been thinking about getting such an activity underway for quite some time...perhaps even years or seconds. This can get confusing, especially if it has been occurring year after year.
At times during the past year I have felt happy, sad, anxious, tickled, nothing, bewildered, defensive, open, aggressive, contemplative, decisive, tricky, funny, counseling, considerate, loving, confusing, frustrated, confident, sarcastic, placated, placating, obtuse, obscure, brief, short, succinct, even, at times, verbose. But I digress.
Last year I worked my way from being 39 to becoming 40. It was not hard nor difficult. In fact, it came upon me quite suddenly and unknowingly. It is still not uncommon for me to hear from others that they too didn't think it was coming, and are currently under the impression that it is still not here. This is the position I am in. When I know what it is that I am meant to do, I'll let you know, as I am presently unaware of the variety and time-frame. Just today it occurred to me that I have always wanted to live in Africa, you know, like savanna grass-lands Africa, not thick bushy can't breath Africa. That dry arid land with an escarpment in the distance. Acacia trees the primary treed resident, other than the occasional baobab. Prior to moving to Bend, and being around mountains and snow and water and dryness, I had wanted to have the experience of this, but for some reason or the other just didn't think it was what was available to me. Until I met Joanna, who, unbeknown to her, helped me realize that the only person stopping me was holding me together. And now here I am, two years later. So, if savanna grass-lands Africa is and has always been in my mind and on my taste-buds, can it happen too? I wonder. Hmmm. Whatever.
There is no real purpose; is what is somewhat valuable. Somehow knowing and being this makes things a little easier to perceive. Because then there is no reason whatsoever to say, take things personally, for example (regardless of Toltec Nation reasoning). Nor is their any reason to be defensive (which is a result of taking things personally I do realize, but let that one slip by) because their just isn't any purpose. Now, this is by no means meant to sound like I am saying that their is no reason. It is different entirely. Reason implies search. Search indicates loss. Loss is in the past. We exist now, in the present.
There is no real Purpose, just Reason and Self-Esteem.