Sunday, July 09, 2006

A Head in Need

Ahead in need, is ahead indeed. A head in need is a head, in deed. Indeed a head in need is a head. The weather was quite unsure of itself this day in July. The pressure of the atmosphere pushing on the surface was a little unstable I thought. My head thought it too, and the manner in which that thought manifested itself was quite miserable to the beholder. Me. It began quite innocently as I woke with a happy toddler and a sick wife. Some call them migraines, I call them shitty headaches. It made me stumble and fumble and foresee things that I shouldn't be foreseeing. It resulted in me not being able to be the person who I am, although I was the person who I was. I played and delayed whenever possible. I slept but never wept. This type of situation has existed as long as I can remember. In fact, I recall sitting in my drapery-darkened bedroom when I was around 7 years old (almost 32 years ago now) reorganizing my toy closet and straightening my cars. This wasn't just because I was an introvert, my head ailed me and I didn't know how to express it otherwise.
Mid-afternoon today it stormed. A funny kind of storm. Sunshine and blue skies on the east side of the house, dark clouds and big thops of rain accompanied by hail fell on the deck on the west side of the house. I gathered hail for Nicholai to eat. He liked that. The moment was a turning point. Within half an hour my head had cleared, leaving me with a certain surreal sense of the day. We went and played at a potluck with other toddlers and many adults. My head was clear. I could believe that just an hour or so prior I could barely write my name with a crayon.
A head. Indeed. I am affected by the pressures of Gaia and Sol.


Anonymous said...

It is at times like these in my life that I wonder... what does this mean, can any thing good possibly come from this and will this baby rattlesnake retreave its fangs from my leg on its own accord? Jesus; we could be dead in muinutes man!
I immensly enjoyed your random thoughts and zany sentiments.
xoxo-el chavo de olas buenas

Graham said...

We work so hard to find answers for the inexplicable experiences and questions. Trying to make meaning out of life's experiences has come to seem an exercise of folly for me. I am so taken by Rilke's quote from Letters to a Young Poet:

"...I would like to beg you dear Sir, as well as I can, to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and to try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don't search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer."

So - treat the pain and live as best we can - no more to do than that I think. We are so linked to Gaia, Sol and the Moon. It is our lineage. Graham